Love, Dating, New York and Self Esteem

21 02 2010

Point of View 1:

After a long night “at the club” and running into two or three people I have actually met there before, which led to phone numbers which led to a date which led to nothing….rejection…I continuously ask myself, “Why do I come back here?  What is it I want.”  Tonight was a hard one, I saw 2 people that I have actually dated at the club, both surprises.  Bothe of them I had contacted earlier today to invite to dinner, hoping one of them would respond.  One of them blew me off and the other made a reason to be unavailable.  Ironically they were both at the club looking for whatever ….and it made all of the moments we had spent together before, the moments when I felt, wow maybe this is the one – maybe I can get to know this person and we can see where it goes – it made all of those moments seem just a waste and such a pathetic lie.  Its so hurtful so painful… What do they want?  Why am I always just the last resort, the in between guy, the “oh yeah, how are you doing?” text reply.  lol.  I give up.  Friends say I look for the wrong people, but honestly they all seemed cool when I met them.  And then I get, you’re looking in the wrong place.  Well where the hell should I look?  Last time I tried to strike up a conversation in the street or even a Dunkin Donuts I either freeze from fear or get rejected from the get go – as in this society its very hard to strike up a conversation in NYC with someone and them not look at you like you’re crazy!  Maybe this all seemed easier when I was younger.  I was always dating someone long term.  Perhaps I was just cuter, and maybe people were different.  Also I used to drink then and now I don’t.  Being sober makes you a lot more selective because a sober person will shy away from drama hopefully.  I don’t know what the answer is but I would like to not be so lonely all the time and it hurts to be the pawn in peoples game….continuously.

Point of View 2:

God wants to protect me and He’s trying to show me something about the world and about myself.  Rejection is God’s Protection.




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